I didn't ask for this...

I don't think anyone "asks" for cancer but sometimes I want to scream from the roof tops...."I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS".

How does one really come to terms with the fact that they have cancer? This is not a rhetorical question I really want to know. Some days are better than others but mostly it’s still a battle. What would I be doing right now if I had never had cancer?

I'll never know the answers to this question and I am not looking for anyone to console me I just need to ask it out loud. This question, and many more, go through my head like a song on repeat. I know there are many cancer fighters and survivors who feel the same way and that's why I am writing this post. I know it’s very personal and that's scary but I don't want you to feel alone or be afraid to ask the same questions out loud.

So many of us put on a brave face when we tell our stories; people look up to us as though we are strong or have some type of cancer fighting super power. I wish that was true but we are just like those who never heard, "You have cancer" The only difference is we were given something no one wants, we fought it. But we are still regular people who have fears, hopes and dreams.

So…here’s the update…

I am currently taking cyclophosphamide chemo pills, I have to take two pills every day after dinner, thank goodness they do not give me extreme side effects; however I do have some nausea in the mornings, but it’s a small price to pay – I suppose…I had been given some anti-nausea meds, but they really didn’t work for me – so I found my own kind. I have been using GINGER (ginger candies and ginger chews have really helped me). I have been given Avastin, numerous times now…which is an anti-angiogenic which works on shrinking the blood vessels that feed the tumors – given in an IV and takes all of a half an hour. (I’ve been doing this once every two weeks.)

Last time we talked I had a 1.4inch hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary – well, it’s still there, but the pain has subsided.

The CT Scan/Ultrasound results were showing great results – no new growths, normal hemoglobin levels, and shrinking tumors…I did, however, have strep throat and I was faced with a decision about having a surgical procedure or opting not to have it…

Well, here’s the UPDATE:
Strep throat is gone. Hemoglobin levels are still looking good. I opted to NOT have the surgical procedure – yet opted to change the way the cancer was being attacked…so we upped the ante here…I’m taking double the chemo that I was previously and making even more frequent trips to see the doctor. I’m tired, I feel sick, and yet…all I can do is just keep pressing on.

Exciting news: I’m supposed to stop taking this chemo on February 26th…the same day that I am scheduled in for a PET scan and all sorts of poking and prodding!
I am staying positive – and all of your thoughts and prayers continue to help in the process.

I couldn’t have gotten this far without my Lord and Savior…and without each and every one of you – so I sincerely say, thank you!

Until the next update,

LOVE – in Him;
Aimee

(Oh, yes...and my hair is TOTALLY growing back in!!!) Love the picture? :)

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Praise Report...with explanation!!!

What a wonderful start to the new year of 2010! (Yes, this comes with a bit of sarcasm).

Friday Evening, a friend of mine, April, her husband Scott, and daughter Ariel decided to go to my company's New Year's Eve Party. Complete with fireworks! :) So, despite the chemo the day prior, I sucked it up and went to celebrate the bringing in of the New Year. Glad I went too. We dressed up in all sorts of cuteness and had a great time!

Saturday morning I was feeling pretty great! Saturday afternoon, I wasn't feeling good at all. I had some severe lower left abdomen cramping - to the point where I was in tears by 8pm Saturday evening. Anyone who knows me, would find the tears part of this pretty interesting. So...OFF the Emergency Room I went. I spent Saturday night through Sunday morning in the E.R. After being pumped with some contrast drink and dye for a CAT SCAN, morphine, dilaudid, and saline solution...my IV vien was infiltrated and I had a severe allergic reaction to the morphine - GREAT, NOT!~ So, that's when the bendryl came in, and a steriod shot, and felt pretty out of it - thanks to the dilaudid. Oh, and I took a picture of myself - haha, I couldn't resist posting it below! :) I had the CAT Scan and they showed two 4-5mm noddules on my right lower lung. This will be investigated further in future months. Also, the CT Scan showed something on my left ovary. This would be looked at in closer detail with my follow-up appointment Monday with my gyn/onc.

So, I came home early Sunday morning - totally drugged up. I slept the day away, and the Sunday night started getting itchy. I took my precription pain meds and some benedryl, thinking that the morphine reaction was still on-set. I woke up this morning (Monday) with the realization that this was VERY, VERY wrong! I decided I didn't have time to wait for my follow-up appointment so I jumped out of bed, put some clothes on - grabbed a cool compress for my face - and ran out of the house to the E.R. - yet again. I had an allergic reaction to the pain meds I was given. I woke up with my right eye almost swollen shut, hives all over my face, neck, chest, and arms. How awful, right?! So, I spent all day today (monday) in the E.R. again. I was given enough Benedryl to knock me out, given some Tramadol pain medication for the severe cramps which were STILL there. They performed two ultrasounds (both external and internally) and were able to get a better view of all sorts of stuff going on. I also took another picture posted below - note the red blotchy face and swollen eye. hahaha.

Now for the reports!!!
I have a 3.4cm (1.4 inch) hemorrhagic cyst on my left ovary. I will not be having surgery for it, I will be checking this all out again in 10-12 days to see how it all goes...

And now, the GOOD STUFF!!!
Priase God. During the CAT Scan Sunday and the two ultrasounds today (Monday)...the main mass which WAS on my cervix is M.I.A. - you've heard it, missing in action!!

So, the NEW PLAN OF ATTACK...to stop taking the oral Chemo on Friday - having a PET Scan, blood tests, and colposcopy, etc. on Tuesday Jan 12th. God is so good! Right now I'm just praying that there is complete truth in these results... ♥ ♥

Will keep you all posted...please continue to pray!

There you are, Lord...heal me!

'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you.' Isaiah 41:10

Whew - Chemotherapy - how we have such a love/hate relationship...
My oral pills come individually in a tin foil like wrapper. It's funny how you can read the warnings where they offer specific handling instructions to those who aren't on chemo. How they're supposed to wear gloves - and some not supposed to handle at all. Yet, I have to take the pills out of their pouches, place them on my tongue, and SWALLOW!?!?! You've GOT to be kidding me... It really makes you think. Oh, and don't get me started how the pill has the word 'toxin' in it...who in there right mind wants to take a toxin and put it in their body? Oh - and then my research shows that Cytoxan is a mustard-gas derivative. Wow, did you HEAR what I said, a MUSTARD GAS DERIVATIVE!!! Hello?! Doesn't ANYONE remember just how vicious that stuff was in World War One - and you want me to put that stuff in my body on a DAILY basis and then every three weeks an infussion of it? You must think I'm crazy!

Okay, it turns out I have lost my mind, because I have been doing this for four months now - FOUR MONTHS, WOWWY! So, here's my lovely and oh-so-sexy pictures of my last chemo trip to Johns Hopkins. Oh, and a small disclaimer, my camera on my phone is REALLY HORRIBLE.


*ME AND MY CHEMO COCKTAIL*


*My cocktail was on a good, steady drip. I made my chemo nurse take a picture from up high to get close to the bottles and bags. hahaha.*


*Don't be afraid of an IV or a machine...it's just delivering poison into your body...*

Enough of that. Now to the good stuff. It's getting to be pretty cold out. How were the holidays for everyone? I got a WHITE Christmas this year in Maryland...and I just woke up this morning to another beautiful WHITE snow-fall! This makes me very, very, happy!


Here is my Caringbridge website, for your viewing pleasure, hope you'll check it out.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/believeaimeelynn

Sorry about the small novel - I had my chemo yesterday. So, I slept lastnight until 3am when my body just decided that it had enough (and the anti-nasuea drugs opted to stop working). Today my body doesn't want to move, it hurts, I'm sore, and sooooooooo here I am sitting here typing on my computer. LOL. But, I am exhausted - don't let the upbeat posting fool you. I feel plain awful and I'm exhausted - sleep time again, I think...

Please continue to pray for complete healing. January 12th is a day full of testing, pray for good results, pray for positive outcomes, pray for remission, pray for complete healing!!!!!

My love to all.

In Him,
Aimee Lynn

♥ 'Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance.' James 1: 2-3 ♥

Pray Hard...

Sometimes you have to just pray, and pray hard.
Sometimes nothing else will do.
Sometimes I have those days, despite what some may think.
People say that I am brave and are so amazed at my spirit in this fight...
But I'm not brave, truth is I'm barely hanging on...
But what I AM hanging on to is my FAITH - and THAT is bigger than any cancer!

So, here's the update:
Things have been slowly progressing downhill. The blood tests they've been running haven't been the greatest. They have doubled the amount of oral chemo I am taking everyday; which feels to me like it's not doing anything but making me sick to my stomach! Nonetheless, this is the plan (with dates and specifics - so please pray about it all) and when I can I will write more and update. Also, please check out my CaringBridge website for updates too:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/believeaimeelynn

SPECIFICS & DATES:
December 30th: IV CHEMO (CYTOXAN) round #2
January 8th: Last day of ORAL CHEMO (hopefully)
January 12th: Blood Tests, PET scan, possible Colposcopy

*Will update these as they come and go...things may change - as I'm learning with this whole thing - they change like the wind blows...

When the body has betrayed us, and all science offered has failed, when the worst case scenario comes true; clinging to HOPE is all we've got left. Disease can suddenly fade away, tumors go missing, they open someone up to discover the cancer is gone-they give us any explanation but the truth...saying life is full of vanishing acts.

3 John 1:2 I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you ♥

'Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart. And you will find rest for your souls for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.' Matthew 11:28-30. ♥ Pray for rest and peace in Him... ♥ Pray for complete healing ♥

...still going

Had a make-up doctor's appointment today. Yup, because I forgot about the original appointment. Ugh. I really need to get a personal assistant. lol. :)

Anyways, I had some bloodwork done again, and THIS TIME, I actually asked what it was for. They did a CBC, SMA, PT/PTT. I looked up what they meant too...
Complete Blood Count (CBC) to look for anemia and infection
Chemistry Panel (SMA) which checks blood serum minerals, liver and kidney function.
Blood tests for clotting are done (PT & PTT)

Well, we've known for a while now that I am anemic...and Doc kept saying we would pump me full of iron, vitamin B12, and folic acid. So, I've been regularly consuming those things - much more than normal. Guess what? Didn't work. NOW...I'm super anemic. So...'Blood transfusions R Us' got themselves a new customer here today.

YUP...you heard right...I had to have a blood transfusion. TONS OF FUN. Not really, but it wasn't bad.

Well, that is about all the update I can handle right now...
LOVE YOU ALL!

She went home to be with Jesus...

Psalm 23: The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

An excerpt from Jessica Jean Snead's CaringBridge Website, posted by her mother Sharon Spence, from December 9, 2009...

"At 2:30 today Jessica entered into her rest and perfect healing. It was a privilege to watch her as she saw glimpses of heaven, "it is pretty", "its so beautiful", "its too bright". She raised her weak little arms in worship and smiled her last smile here on earth. The pain and suffering were so great last night and today. With Cory, Mark and Kayla and a team of pastors we encouraged her, urged her to go and be free.....and she even said, "I'm trying"... in her weakened state.:)..and continued being polite to everyone. Her doctor said she was the politest patient she'd ever known. And the toughest. (We said, if you only knew!)Goodbye for now, my baby angel girl/best friend......Rejoicing for her, sad for the rest of us. Funeral/Celebration of her life will tentatively 11:00 Saturday at Wave Church. Thats all I can say for now."

It has been a long battle, two years and so much testing, trying, believing, trusting...my beautiful friend, I miss you so much.

Jessica passed at the age of 23 and a half, leaving behind a wonderful husband of 4 years, Cory; a great mom Sharon and dad Mark, 6 siblings; Greg and Des who live in other states; Kayla, 21, Alex, 20, Jordan 12 and Joy 9, and a countless number of friends. Please continue to pray for the friends and family. Since the beginning and through to her last moment, Jessica remained strong in her convictions to put all her hope and faith in Christ Jesus, her Lord. He never left her and will never forsake her. The amazing trust in Him alone abd knowing that He has a plan in all of this and has from the very beginning of time. It is plan for good, and not harm, as He has for all of His precious children. Thank you all for your love and prayers, never stop...

Jessica, I am so blessed to have known you. So blessed to be friends with you, so blessed to be your sister in Christ...my heart hurts right now, it hurts for you - for Cory - for your family and friends who miss you so very much. Through your fight, you never gave up. You have shown us what it means to live a life faithful even in the fire and all of us are forever grateful for your beautiful and shining example. Thank you for the glimpse of heaven you shared with us all. Your strength and resilience amazes me still. Your strong faith-trust-and-hope in our Lord inspires so many. I am blessed to have loved you, so blessed to have you love me, and so very blessed to have spent time with you last weekend...(even though the picture I will post at the end of this blog does not do justice to the beauty you are...it is a memory of us that I will cherish forever, my friend. I love you. <3 <3 And, yes...we had the same wig... :) <3 <3

Jesus, thank you for delivering Jessica from her pain and into your Glory. EVERYTHING is about your Glory and we are learning this in baby steps here on earth. Thank you for allowing Jessica to see your Glory, your Grace, and your Faithfullness and thank you Jesus, so much, for allowing her to tell us of the beauty and of the brightness of your Glory...just like your Word says. You are Truth.

"...you have a special place in my heart, we have shared together the blessings of God..." Phil. 1:7.

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Love and prayers to the Snead & Spence Families and Friends. To my darling, Jessica...I love you, I miss you, and I'll be seeing you!

<3 <3 Forever <3 <3
Aimee