...in the process...

The Chemotherapy treatment is going alright. The first day was really tough. I just wish it was all over...I'm pretty much sick to my stomach everyday, which - let me tell you is getting quite old, quite fast.

I'm still going to school and work. I'm really not taking breaks from regular life because of this stuff... Work is really, really, really busy. I'm working on a project - which is tough, but it's going to help make some people in the company (ie higher up mngmnt) realize that I am very serious about the company. (I'm not sure that I really am, but it's good to appear that way in this economy - ya know?)

So...lots of stuff going on around here. My oral Chemo is a pain, as I said. I haven't started radiation yet. Honestly, not sure if I am going to right now. DR isn't convinced about it anymore, because my blood work is coming back every week showing lowering levels - so...maybe I won't need to undergo radiation yet? At any rate, she doesn't want to start it yet. I am supposed to have another round of the IV Chemo on December 14th. The week of Decembe 7th is my REST WEEK. That means no chemo...oral chemo even. So, that's good news! I did however, find out that I was anemic. (yea, my red blood cell count is really low) DR is afraid if it continues to drop at the rate that it is we may be discussing blood and platelet transfussions. While we're not at that point right now...it's still an option in future.

Right now, I'm just taking things day by day. I'm trying to reach deeper into myself to find who I am. In this situation, in the last month or so, I have found a deeper and closer relationship with the Lord. Through all of this, He is my strength. I couldn't do half of the things that I am doing now if it weren't for Him - for my faith.

Hope, Faith, and Love...that's what there is and what it's all about...
<3 <3 <3

Chemo Cocktail - was not coffee flavored...

It's been a little while since I wrote here, and for that I am sorry. BUT...I've been busy. So much has happened. I decided on a treatment plan, I've been getting really involved at Church again, I'm working like crazy, still trying to go to school.

I decided that CHEMO/RADIATION therapy was the way to go for me. I'll explain more later, i'm rather tired and cranky right now. TODAY, in fact, was DAY NUMBER ONE...for the Chemo - woo, hoo. I was really hoping it wouldn't be that bad, but the experience overall was pretty horrific. :( *sigh* I guess I didn't really know what to expect.

Anyways, for all who are following this, I'm alive and okay. A little on the queasy side right now and very very tired...that said, I'm going to take a nap.

Hopefully I will write more later.
XOXO <3 <3 <3

One more hour...continued...

Okay, so...I made a snide comment/joke at the doctor's office today, when the PA came back into the room with the results from my CBC and exlaimed, "Wow, you're white blood cell count is REALLY high". Maybe it was the fact that even in the scooby-doo scrubs she still resembled a Matel Barbie Doll especially with all her pancake makeup, she was very pretty though. Nevertheless my reply to her was, "It usually is when you have cancer..." I guess that was my way to make light of the situation, but she scurried out of the room in quite a hurry with this 'omg, i just shot the neighbors dog' look on her face. Hah! Cancer. What a word. Why do people take it as such a horrible thing? I think this has just brought me closer than I've ever been to the Lord...and for that, I am blessed.

Neverless, I'll have my CA-125 results sometime tomorrow. OH...did I mention...I have STREP THROAT now too?!? Greeeeeeeeaaaaat. Oh well. I laugh in it's face. More antibiotics for me...for me...for me... :)

One more hour...

I'm thanking God that I was able to get an appointment with my doctor for 10am this morning. I awoke in the night with a swollen throat, some severe cramping, lower back pain, and a 102 degree fever. :( After a lot of Ibuprofen, I felt okay and was able to get back to sleep. This morning, I called out sick to work, and called my normal doctor - who contacted Dr. McCormick - and so today I will be going to my primary car doctor, but I will be having some blood tests run (definately going to have a CA-125 run again today says Dr. Tao - which is exciting and nerve racking, but I am anxious to hear the results).

This could mean many things, but my faith will endure and I will overcome all of this. God has a bigger plan for me than I had for myself...I have to trust completely...I believe he can heal and I believe that he already has. :)

Kisses, I'm off to the doctor now.

*******

Two Weeks in healing...and I guess it's going alright. I thought the worst part was over. If anyone has been through a conization via a LEEP procedure and had no problems to deal with, then I envy you! This week was awfully rough and painful. I suppose it doesn't help that I had an infection and had to take some antibiotics along with some pain relievers to assist me through the week. Thank goodness the weekend is here...

Well, where do I start? The margins from the procedure were not clear. This basically means that there are still cancerous cells and that they did not get it all out. GREAT. Not really, but I'm learning how to be a comedian these days.

So, the lucky day for me is November 9th, 2009. This is my next follow-up appointment (unless she decides she wants to see me earlier for some odd reason). At this appointment she will be doing a few tests and procedures (of which I really won't get into detail about) and discussing the treatment options at this point. However, at the moment the options which stand are as follows: (1) surgery - simple hysterechtomy OR (2) Radiation/Chemotherapy Treatment. One of the Chemo/Radiation treatments they were discussing is a clinical trial (apparently, my case would work well for it...since they are saying I was originally diagnosed as a 1A1, but clearly due to the margins being negative still they have determined the staging was wrong and it is truly a 1B. The clinical trial number is: NCT00104910 in case anyone wants to read up on it, the National Cancer Institue is the sponsor for the trial. So, like I said, I'm still thinking...Dr.McCormick (sp?) has discussed these treatment options in depth with me. In fact, she and everyone else I've met at the Johns Hopkins Kelly Gynecologic Oncology Center has been amazing to me. They truly do care and I know they want to beat this and cure it too! :)

Right now, until my "lucky day", I am just praying that God gives me the answer to the direction I need to go with this treatment, I hope that all who read this will pray for this as well.

*******

On another note, I had an amazing dream lastnight, it was a moment from my past - I re-lived it...and it was amazing. I was at St. Joseph's Abbey in Spencer, Massachusetts with my Dad. I remember the rocky buildings, the gravel pathways, the gorgeous views, and plush greenery. So...I looked them up online - I wanted to share the website with you all. This group of men had a large impact on my life. The Trappist Monks whom I remember from my childhood include; Father Abbot, Father Robert, and Brother James. What good people...

http://www.spencerabbey.org/index.html

*******

It's been a long day, a long week, and it's time for sleep...

May God Bless and Keep You! <3

Cancer Sucks & Hugs Heal!

HUGS HEAL...HOPE HELPS...and CANCER SUCKS!

Three important things I've learned over the last few weeks...
I have some pretty amazing people in my life...

Surgery went well on Thursday, lots of things to be determined though...more surgery in 3-5 weeks? plus chemo/radiation somewhere in between? I don't know, I'm not sure, we'll see I guess.

I just pray for love, compassion, complete healing...and to being cancer free.

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." ♥

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, who abides in the shadow of the Almighty, will say to the Lord, My refuge and my fortress; my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2 ♥

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 ♥

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ♥

Please continue to pray... ♥

Teach me to number my days...

Are you suffering from the “Someday Syndrome”—Always waiting for just the right moment, the right day, or the right time to begin living your life and your calling? I feel like I have been living that way for a while...and it's time to change. It's sad that it has taken something scary to make me re-think my life and where I am in it...

Father, You tell us our days are like the grass; here one day and gone the next. May I live each day as if it were my last. (Psalm 103:15-16)

"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90:12)


“Show me, O LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life.” (Psalm 39:4)


Lord, Your love is so big. May I always seek to understand, grow and live out Your love with everyone in my life. (1Corinthians 13:4-8)

Help me to live a life that puts the interest of others ahead of myself. (Philippians 2:3-4)

Lord, I want to live the selfless life that Jesus lived - to leave a legacy of service to others rather than seeking to be served; to give of my life so that others they might come to know Your Son Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord. (Matthew 20:28)

Father God, help me to change my ways - help to lead me where I am supposed to go. Help me to live my life to the fullest and to glorify you, Lord. <3>